so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
