genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
