I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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