The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
