apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
