he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
