No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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