My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
