Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
