you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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