he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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