When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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