you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
