I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
