Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
