Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
