Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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