I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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