The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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