You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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