Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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