I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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