I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
