I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
