Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
