He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
