I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
