Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
