yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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