I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize