Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
