I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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