omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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