She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
