Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
