I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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