I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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