I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
