In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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