i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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