ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
