how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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