I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
