Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
