What did we do last night that was yellow?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
