i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
