I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
