he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize