you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
