the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
