Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
