you guys were way drunker than both of me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize