Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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