I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
