his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
