i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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