I smell stomach acid.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
