sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
