I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
from now on my penis is your penis
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
