She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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