So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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