He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
