so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
